


Squishy grey

by Clocketpatch



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 02:26:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13988532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clocketpatch/pseuds/Clocketpatch
Summary: “I was actually hoping to be transferred to a different facility –”





	Squishy grey

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wnnbdarklord](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wnnbdarklord/gifts).



The debriefing room had a simple set-up, classic, really: white walls/ceiling/floor, one-way glass mirror, hidden cameras and mics, a simple steel slab of a table with multiple restraint attachment options, and two chairs – one comfortable; the other metal-backed and unpadded. The occupant of the bad chair knew the room’s specs by heart. He knew all of the base’s specs. He’d memorized every detail. He’d done every shitty job this place had thrown at him, and what had it given him in return?

“Lieutenant Joshua Assistant,” Supervisor Adams said, striding into the room and taking his place in the nice chair. He gently set an object on the table in front of Lt. Assistant: a small, black tablet.

“Supervisor,” Lt. Assistant said, standing up in deference to rank. He stumbled a bit on the rise. He was still unsteady after his head injury and the lights were making him woozy. He could feel sweat beading on his forehead.

Supervisor Adams waved his hand, motioning him to sit. Lt. Assistant did so with gratitude.

“What can you tell me about this?” Supervisor Adams asked, nodding at the tablet.

“It’s my computer, Sir? Government issue. For doing my job.”

“And what was your job at this facility?” Supervisor Adams leaned across the table, steepling his fingers.

“Um…” Lt. Assistant blanked. He’d done so many things, but he’d never been given a proper duties break-down. “Whatever I was told to do?”

“Whatever your Supervisor told you to do?” Supervisor Adams said.

Lt. Assistant swallowed. “Yes, Sir?”

“And would you say that remains your role at Black Wing, despite the change of management?”

“I was actually hoping to be transferred to a different facility –”

“Denied.”

Supervisor Adams smiled. It was a warm, friendly smile.

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the rational behind your request,” Supervisor Adams said. “You’ve been injured in the line of duty. Your last commandeering office was, to be frank, an astonishing idiot who nonetheless managed to take advantage of your compliance and put you into some very sticky situations. Black Wing hasn’t been what you expected. And, of course, there’s the little matter of this.” Supervisor Adams tapped his fingers against the tablet. “But all that aside, you have an exemplary eye for detail. Out of all the staff at this place, you are the only one to connect all of the dots, to understand how everything is – ”

“Connected,” Lt. Assistant finished. “I know. At least, I think I know. I don’t really know anything. Please don’t kill me.”

“Why would I do that?”

Supervisor Adams flipped over the tablet and swiped past the lock screen. After a few more deft taps he turned the screen to face Lt. Assistant. It showed a long list of audio files.

“I have a few favorites,” Supervisor Adams said, “but I’m going to give you the honor of first pick.”

“It’s my diary,” Lt. Assistant said. “I didn’t mean for it to be –”

“What did you mean it for?” Supervisor Adams asked. He tapped the first entry. Lt. Assistant’s voice started playing, small and tinny over the device’s speakers, but happily confident:

_“I am so close to achieving my big, life goal. Everything has been leading up to this. I’ve been accepted to provide security at an Above Top Secret underground research facility, which has to be housing aliens. I am so excited, but I have to keep it cool, professional – ”_

Supervisor Adams tapped the tablet again, hitting play on a different entry:

_“I’m like ninety percent certain that the assets are all being controlled by alien parasites. None of them seem to need food. They’ve had Project Alpha in a taxi for two weeks now on nothing but a saline drip and he’s fine. There’s another dude in a coma, same set-up, and he’s fine. There’s project Icarus, who complains, and tells us that we’re wrong every three minutes from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep, but hasn’t asked for sandwich since he got here.”_

Supervisor Adams stopped the recording.

“Are personnel at Above Top Secret underground research facilities allowed to keep personal journals of confidential occurrences on their _government issue tablets_?”

“It was encrypted,” Lt. Assistant said.

Supervisor Adams crossed his arms. “Not very well. Listen, I’m not mad.”

“You’re not?”

“No, why would I be mad? You were curious and you recorded things. You watched thousands of surveillance footage; you went into my suite and copied tens of thousands of pages of documents on Black Wing's early days; you put the pieces together. I need people like you to help me; People who can see the bigger picture. Do you know what I am?”

“I honestly have no idea what any of you are. You’re not parasites.”

“No,” Supervisor Adams said. “I’m a tech guy. A holistic tech guy. I fix things. Right now, I’m fixing the universe. I’ve got Black Wing to thank for that; I never would have figured it out if it weren't for this program. I think that there are others out there like me who don’t know what their purpose is. Maybe they already know about their powers and maybe they don’t, but either way, we have to bring them all in.”

“And then what?” Lt. Assistant asked.

Supervisor Adams shrugged. “Humans are just fancy, organic machines. That’s all life is: fancy, organic, self-replicating machines, being steered by squishy grey computers. Take Bart as an example. She’s not an assassin; she’s a firewall gone amok. She needs to be reprogrammed so she can do her job properly.”

“I’m sorry, but I really don’t understand most of what you’re saying. I know that there’s more going on than I know and that things are bigger, and weirder than I thought, but also I’m still not totally convinced that you aren’t going to kill me.”

Supervisor Adams tapped the tablet again:

_“One of the scientists woke me up this morning with a corgi on a leash. This place is fucking weird but so amazing. The dog may or may not be an alien. It’s part of something called Project Alpha which has just been brought in. I have to take the dog/maybe alien out of its clean room twice a day to walk and feed.”_

“You took care of my dog for two and a half months,” Supervisor Adams said when the recording finished. “I smelled the grass on her fur and it was the best part of my life for seventy days. That’s a favor that I want to repay. You wanted aliens, Lieutenant, I take it you didn’t get a chance to read most of those files you stole from my room.”

“There were a lot of them, and things were moving really fast, there were lots of guns and people with swords, and then a woman turned into a canon…”

“There are aliens.”

“I knew it.”

“And werewolves, and gods, and dragons, and things you’ve never even imagined. And I want you to help me analyse them, Corporal Assistant. I want you to help me fix the universe.”


End file.
